


Avatars Go Shopping

by Urbenmyth



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: (Blah blah stranger powers or some such thing), (because my ending didn't work if he died), (why is hope still alive in season 4 you ask?), Also very mild homophobia from Jared, Tescos, some spoilers for season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Urbenmyth/pseuds/Urbenmyth
Summary: So far, of the monsters, exactly four of them have been shown to take part in human economics on screen.As such, presumably, this could have happened!
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	Avatars Go Shopping

It had been a long year for Jonathan Sims.

There had been paranoia, monsters, conflict and violence. Terrible revelations about his work, his world and himself. Melanie getting possessed, Martin growing distant, Elias turning out to be...whatever Elias was.

It was a lot to take on. Sometimes too much.

But mundane problems don’t go away once the supernatural intrudes. Jon was still human enough to need to do his groceries. Or so he liked to think at least.

He walked down the aisles. It was oddly comforting. Just walking around the store like any normal human, away from Eyes and Spirals and Strangers and the other horrors of the world. OK, he had milk, he had eggs. He needed...bread. Just there.

The man who stood there didn’t move as Jon got closer.

“Er, sir? Excuse me, could you move, I need…”

And then he looked up at the tall man. The _very_ tall man. The...oh...oh dear.

“’Ello”

“Er..Er...hello Jared.”

The figure looked down, his flesh rippling as his bones shifted beneath his skin. In person, outside the distortion, it was clear just how massive he really was. Even discounting the boneturning, he could easily crush Jon’s head in his bare hands, and oh did Jon know it.

“You _scared_ , Archivist?”

“I...er…”

The Boneturner loomed...before stepping back, chuckling.

“Relax, little man. I’m not a _monster_. Heh. Well, I’m not gonna tear your bones out in the local Tescos, anyway. Just here to do my shopping like anyone else.”

He held out a basket, full of steak and burger and sausages.

“We can’t all be dolls, yeah? Some of us are meat. Some of us still need to _feed_.”

The Boneturner looked down at Jon’s basket. “Thought you and your lot would just be eating stories.”

“Well...I don’t know. I like eating, at least. I...do people not stare?”

A thunderous laugh.

“Ah. Of course. Sorry”

“Anyway, you wanted the bread...wait. What’s _that_ doing here?”

Somehow, Jon knew who he meant before he turned his head.

“ _Aaaaarchivist!”_

The woman in her sharp suit grinned broadly, looking down at him. She wasn’t tall, but she still looked down at him. He instinctively checked the reflective metal of the shelves, and there was the limp body and razor-sharp fingers. Yep. Definitely Helen.

“What a _surprise_ bumping into you here! How are you? Having a good trip down memory lane? And Mr Hopworth! How have you been?”

“You dropped me in a river.”

“Oh, don’t be a _whiner_! You have so many lungs in there, and look, you were fine! I couldn’t kill you if I tried, Boneturner! And I did!”

“Yeah? Maybe I should try my shot at you.”

Fuck. Awkward was one thing, but a battle between the Twisting Deceit and the Waking Abattoir in the fresh produce aisle was quite another. Jon quickly decided it was high time for him to step in between things. Small talk?

Screw it, worth a shot. They were British, after all. Sort of.

“So! You go _shopping_? I thought you didn’t have a body.”

“Just like you don’t eat? It’s a fun experience! Michael preferred flowers, took them to watch them wither like the angry young man-adjacent-thing he was, but me?”

Eagerly, she thrust a basket full of candy at him

“Sweet, bright and empty! Just like me!”

“But...how do you get money? I mean Jared runs a Gym…”

“Health food shop, now”

“Yeah, a...what? You... _you_ run a health food shop?”

“Ha! A bit poncy for me, yeah, but that drive for a perfect body? To purge yourself of the toxins and the fifth you feel inside? That healthy form so far from your sickening flesh? Well. I take what I get. Meat is Meat.”

“Why Boneturner! That’s positively poetic!”

“Yeah, well. I have my moments. I might not have some fancy degree, but I know _meat_.”

“Yes, yes, but how do _you_ get money Helen?”

“Its name’s _Helen?”_

“It’s a good one, isn’t it? Glad I have it!”

“Heh. Yeah. You _look_ like a Helen.”

“Well, I’ll take that as a compliment! As for the money…”

Helen grinned and pulled out a pile of wallets and purses.

“How do you think?”

A few moments passed.

“Well. This has been a lovely chat. But I got work to do. Goodbye, Archivist. _Helen_.”

“Pleasure to meet you properly! Do pop by again! I insist! Do you want to shop together, then, archivist?”

Jon shook his head, stepping back. 

“Oh, spoilsport! Can’t even get your milk without sulking? _Classic_ Sims. Well, I guess I’ll see you at work then!”

Her headachey laughter filled the air, as a few confused shoppers turned to look.

“It is _fun_ playing as a human, isn’t it? ‘See you at work’. Ha!"

Well. Let’s not think about that.

Jon walked quickly away as Helen went back to looking at candy intently, at least pretending not to glance at him.

Right. Well, awkward and/or potentially deadly incident over, still had to get his groceries. Time to look at ice cream. Oh! That’s actually a pretty good offer there...

" 'Ello archivist."

"See you’re lookin’ at t’ 3 fer 1 deal there?”

"Well, y’see, me 'n the ol' ball and chain"

"Would be 'appy to join in, if you’d be offering?"

**Author's Note:**

> In case you are wondering:
> 
> -The Distortion buys flowers in its first appearance.  
> -Breekon and Hope go to buy lotion in Another Twist.  
> -Jared, while technically a former human, is distorted enough to count as not just a guy. He famously runs a gym.
> 
> Anges did go shopping (she brought coffee) but alas I couldn't quite push things enough for her to show up.


End file.
